A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
