Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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