Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
