We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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