You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
