Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
