everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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