Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
