just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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