my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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