HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
