why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
