2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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