i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
