Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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