she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
