I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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