I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
