I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
