I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
