dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
