I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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