You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We don't watch enough power rangers
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
