sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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