the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
