Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
