What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Quick, to the slutcave!
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
