What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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