how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
