Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the condom got lost in my hair
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He kissed a someone with a penis
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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