Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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