dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
