Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
