Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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