Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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