I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
