Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
