Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
