Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
