Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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