i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
being pregnant is like rehab
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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