i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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