Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
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We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
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Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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