I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
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There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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