this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
