once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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