I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
