I just cut my nipple shaving
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just found puke in my bra..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
