I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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