It's like God shit irony all over that family
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
