I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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