here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
