I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
