Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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