you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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