.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
